July 19, 2010

Week four begins and with it the normal Monday anxiety.  When this week is over, I will have had 19 radiation treatments and will have 14 left to do...I keep hoping that I will not experience the burns and irritation that my counterparts have experienced but from what I have heard no one dodges this bullet.  My symptoms are slowly worsening but from what I gather this is the norm.  I am very tired.  I know a lot of this is short lived and I suppose for Harvey to be obliterated it is necessary.  I will do whatever I have to do and face whatever I have to face to make sure he is gone for good. 

I have figured out that my week starts off with Monday high anxiety, Tuesday and Wednesday lesser anxiety but more tiring because of the long days with dr appts and blood tests but once the hump day (Weds) is over, anxiety lessens as I near Friday and two days off for the weekend.   My friend Kari came to visit me on Saturday for a little bit and I enjoyed her visit but was surprised at how tired I was after she left.  I guess I have to realize that even though our visit felt like a 'normal' visit, I still am dealing with cancer and treatment so my body is not in 'normal' mode.  It was an interesting revelation to say the least.  I keep wanting to do what I did before and have the stamina as before but my body is saying 'hell no' and I am finally starting to really listen.

Today  is Rich's and my 30 year wedding anniversary.  What a milestone that is.  Who would have thunk 30 years ago that we would be spending our anniversary at the U of M so I can go through radiation.  One never knows what life will throw at them.  At the hospital today I met with my oncologist (had to go back twice to the hospital as I messed up an appt - poor Rich driving twice to Minneapolis) and she informed me that I will get an ultrasound on Thursday to find out what the pain is in my forearm (its the arm I had my PICC line in and the vein is swollen much lower in the arm).  She wants to be sure it isn't a blood clot but rather an inflammation.  Then next week I start my second round of chemo.  Tuesday will be a very long day.  I have to have my new PICC line inserted, do my radiation, visit with my oncologist and then have the chemo cocktail given to me.  If my blood levels continue to lower I will have to give myself shots over the weekend as well.  My Gosh, this all came up quickly. 

On the way home I was trying to digest all this information and I had a mild panic attack.  I suppose it's because I know it has to be done, there is no other recourse here, but at the same time I am not guaranteed all this will obliterate that slime bucket Harvey.  I won't know if Harvey is gone until three months post treatment when they do the scans as the chemo and radiation continues to kill him even after treatment is over.  While I remain hopeful about this I also have to be realistic. I visualize Harvey gone and that is that.  Just got a little overwhelmed today with everything accelerating now.   Keep praying.  Love to you all.  Be well, Marilyne