Had my blood work and scan done on June 7th. The oncologist's nurse called and told me the blood work looked good except my white count was down from last month and they want to watch that. It was possible the chemo did some damage to the bone marrow. Since I just had gall bladder surgery I am wondering if it is because my body is trying to heal. At least I hope that is the case. Even so, I found myself hearing those words reverberating in my mind again...'what if....what if...."
Living as a cancer survivor is still as difficult a journey as it was as a cancer patient. There are various levels of survivor I believe. The fighter who survives to live and beat the cancer, the survivor who finds that the scans are clear and survives to keep the faith from scan to scan and the survivor who is in limbo, worrying about aches and pains and odd blood work and scans where it would not have phased her before.
There is always that fear the cancer will return either in its original place or somewhere else. And that is how I live. When the scans are clear I relax a bit until the next round of scans. I do not know when that will end if it ever will as these doctor visits and scans and blood work are part of my new normal.
June 13 I saw my oncologist and the scan was clear...except for an air bubble or something that they saw on the CT in my common bile duct where the gall bladder was removed. Sometimes this occurs after gall bladder surgery. My oncologist wants me to have an ultrasound in this area in 3 months, not another CT as she does not want to subject me to more radiation. Another CT will happen in 6 months. The CT will focus more clearly and precisely on this 'air bubble.' The low white count she believed is due to healing from the gall bladder surgery. However, if I have pain in the GB area, I am to contact her immediately. So...what does all this mean? I have no idea. She did not seem to be concerned and I base my emotions on how she reacts to things as she would not hesitate to send me for an ultrasound immediately if she was worried so...I am not worried. I trust my team and their judgement. I trust God to give me what He feels I can handle. Yet...as a human, I still feel vulnerable and afraid sometimes.
So, another reprieve. Next scan will be in September. I finished logging in all my appointments for the next few months on the calendar and will utilize the ones without mammograms or scans or doctor visits with fun stuff and creating. Thanks for being there, for your prayers and thoughts. It means so much to me. Be well, Love, Marilyne