Just when I think that I have a few days of respite, the roller coaster in my life shows me that I have no control -- or perhaps God is telling me that control with this disease is not going to work. These little 'blips' on the radar tend to play havoc with my mind and body and while I hate it, it keeps things in perspective.
Had my requisite mammogram last week, like the diligent woman I am. They called me back the next day to schedule an appointment because they saw a 'thickening' that wasn't there the year before. I just thought, okay, here we go again. Buckle the seat belt. Say another prayer. Take a deep breath. Say to self, "self, you cannot change the outcome of this - it is what it is - do not waste days withdrawing and trying to gather strength for something that may not even happen. Enjoy your days anyway." Of course I didn't listen to myself.
Five days later I had the mammo redo (which is much worse than the regular mammo unfortunately because they have to focus on specific areas. I had an odd calcium deposit right below this thickening which almost looked like an upside V pointing quite nicely to the mass they wanted to view. That helped the radiologist focus in the right spot. I was then told to sit outside with my little bag of clothing (in case there was an issue, I would have to go for an ultrasound). Another woman was out there with her little bag and in a hospital gown like me. Then another came out, same bag, same hospital gown but a robe. Modesty prevails in any situation. The technician came out to say the radiologist/surgeon was doing a biopsy but would read the mammos shortly, maybe 15 minutes. A few minutes later she came out and called me in. I kept thinking, hmmm, the person before me wasn't called and the person after me wasn't called. My heart started pounding and my mind rationalized all types of things and I wondered if the cancer decided to attack me in another area. I hate this disease. I hate being so paranoid. I hate the fact I worry about every pain and ache now when I didn't give it a second thought before. I hate that I lose days of my life in worry. I hate that I have no control.
She takes me in the room and shuts the door for privacy she says and I sit down as my legs are wobbly. She tells me everything is fine, not to worry. It was simply thickening and no suspicious mass. Come back in a year. Relief washed over me. She started to apologize for making me go through it all and I said no, I am glad that they are diligent and do this. Best to catch this early and be sure. As I started to leave I realized the other two women in the lobby may have different news and I walked out quickly. Not smiling, not making contact. Whether that was the right thing to do or not, I do not know, but I felt if I was happy and smiled I did not know what news they would get and did not want the moment that is quite frightening to be the bouncing off board for my good news. I said a prayer for the two of them and met Rich outside. I was able to breathe again. Able to plan again. At least until my visit to the colo-rectal surgeon on July 15th. Another respite. Thank you God.
Be well, Marilyne