Coming up to the 9 month scan on June 7th. I can't say that I'm not anxious or worried. While deep inside I do not feel that there is any recurrence, there is always that small doubt inside that stays in the background gently whispering...what if...what if...and it is that small voice that tends to make me withdraw and recoil at doing anything. I become emotionally paralyzed until I see the oncologist and she says everything is okay, then I live again until the next scan. This usually occurs a couple weeks before the scan and I am assuming might be a normal reaction. At least I hope so.
About a month ago I started to have unusual pain and nausea and went to see my regular GP. He thought it might be gall bladder. Had some other symptoms that could have leaned towards liver issues which really scared me (this type of cancer travels to lungs or liver if there are mets). Had an ultrasound that showed no gall bladder stones and asked for another scan to show the function of gall bladder and liver. Sure enough the gall bladder was only functioning at 18% and within a week had surgery to have it removed. Ironically I felt relieved when they said the liver looked okay (functioning) and it was 'only' my gall bladder. That was two weeks ago I had the surgery and am starting to feel better physically, albeit not quite yet mentally or emotionally.
Not too many people understand the emotional roller coaster that occurs when diagnosed with cancer. Even those who are in remission still walk around with a small cloud over their shoulder. It takes many years of being in remission before one actually feels a bit 'safe' I guess the word can be that maybe it won't come back but in the early remission years it is a difficult road to put this out of one's mind. That being said, I am glad I have this forum and blog to write my emotions down. In a way it is the best therapy I could have. Will come back in here after my scan and results. Be well, Marilyne