9 Month Scan

Coming up to the 9 month scan on June 7th.  I can't say that I'm not anxious or worried.  While deep inside I do not feel that there is any recurrence, there is always that small doubt inside that stays in the background gently whispering...what if...what if...and it is that small voice that tends to make me withdraw and recoil at doing anything.  I become emotionally paralyzed until I see the oncologist and she says everything is okay, then I live again until the next scan.  This usually occurs a couple weeks before the scan and I am assuming might be a normal reaction.  At least I hope so. 

About a month ago I started to have unusual pain and nausea and went to see my regular GP.  He thought it might be gall bladder.  Had some other symptoms that could have leaned towards liver issues which really scared me (this type of cancer travels to lungs or liver if there are mets).  Had an ultrasound that showed no gall bladder stones and asked for another scan to show the function of gall bladder and liver.  Sure enough the gall bladder was only functioning at 18% and within a week had surgery to have it removed.  Ironically I felt relieved when they said the liver looked okay (functioning) and it was 'only' my gall bladder.  That was two weeks ago I had the surgery and am starting to feel better physically, albeit not quite yet mentally or emotionally. 

Not too many people understand the emotional roller coaster that occurs when diagnosed with cancer.  Even those who are in remission still walk around with a small cloud over their shoulder.  It takes many years of being in remission before one actually feels a bit 'safe' I guess the word can be that maybe it won't come back but in the early remission years it is a difficult road to put this out of one's mind.  That being said, I am glad I have this forum and blog to write my emotions down.  In a way it is the best therapy I could have.  Will come back in here after my scan and results.  Be well, Marilyne

Anniversary...

I've had some time to reflect lately, more so than normal.  In a few short weeks it will be the one year anniversary that I had my original surgery...the surgery where harvey was found.  A few weeks ago I was having some issues with my stomach, mostly some pain and indigestion that I kept attributing to eating a coconut cream pie (yes, I was a glutton but it was home made and it was good!).  I started having other issues and called my colo-rectal surgeon (who a few months ago fell on the ice and dislocated his elbow so will be out of commission for a few more months - some angst there as I trust him and hope nothing goes wrong while he is gone). 

The surgery center's nurse called me back and we discussed the issues.  She suggested it sounded more like the liver or gall bladder acting up.  Do not want to hear liver as mets from my type of cancer go to lung and liver.  after she consults with another RN they tell me to call my regular MD.  I'm starting to feel a bit of deja vu here...so my anxiety goes up.  My Dr. checks me out and says the liver enzymes are fine when I tell him my concerns and sends me for an ultrasound.  That turns out fine - no stones - no liver issues - I'm still anxious because everything was 'fine' the last time too.  He asks if I want to go for one more scan that watches the function of the liver and gall bladder and I say yes.  I'm not about to be not aggressive about this.  We do that last Friday and I'm done by noon.  By 6 PM he calls me on the phone and says my gall bladder is only functioning at 16% and needs to come out.  So I am not in the process of trying to schedule a pre-op with my regular MD and a surgury with the same guy who did the original one a year ago.  See what I mean?  Deja vu.  I'm hoping the results of this surgery are markedly different from last year.  I want to enjoy this summer. 

I guess I simply came in here to express what I'm feeling right now, whether anyone reads it or not, because it is a nice catharsis to be able to say what is on your mind without worrying someone else or having someone else carry the burden or worse yet having someone else just not understand the issue.  There is so much more than having a 'simple' gall bladder surgery now because of the scars left from the cancer diagnosis and treatment...I found out the hard way nothing is always that simple.  So I come in here and vent and release whatever it is that is bothering me or being thankful for ... it does make a difference and help. 

So for anyone still reading this, thank you -- and hope that this blog note finds you all well.  Love, Marilyne